The Situation of the Muslims around the Globe is bad today because of the high rates of divorce.
Statistics: Almost 50% of marriages in the UK are going through problems, and many are breaking down. That’s 1 out of every 2 people! With the children being harmed the most, and many Muslim youth turning to gangs and prostitution within Muslim areas!
However, most of these problems can be fixed quite easily alhamdulillah.
Imam Muslim reported on the authority of Jabir ibn `Abdullah, who stated that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: ”Iblis (Satan) places his throne upon water, then sends his groups. The closest to him are those who (tempt people to) commit the most grievous of sins (fitnah). One of them would approach him and say: I did such-and-such. Iblis would reply: You have done nothing. Another would approach and say: I did not leave him (a man) until I caused him to leave his wife and for them to be separated. Iblis would bring him close to his throne and would say: How good you are!”
The first thing taught of magic was “..They learned from them the means to sow discord between man and wife.” [Quran Al Baqarah 2:102]
In the Tafsir of Surah Tahreem, by Ibn Kathir, he quotes an event which Umar ibn al Khattab narrates. He said:
“I used to be friends with one of the Ansar and we would convey the teachings of Allah’s Messenger to each other. One time, we were expecting Ghassan [a enemy tribe to raid Madinah]. Once, my friend came and was shouting to me and said something major has happened.
I asked; Is it Ghassan?
He said, “It’s worse than that!”
I wondered what he meant, until he told me that Allah’s Messenger had divorced his wives!
Then Umar went to the masjid and saw the people weeping, and asked “has Allah’s Messenger divorced his wives?” and they said we don’t know. So Umar went to Allah’s Messenger and asked whether he had divorced his wives, and he (sal Allah alaihi wasalam) said No…Tafsir ibn Kathir – Surah Tahreem
Which means that the marriage breakdown is from an Islamic perspective an evil thing, even though it is permissible.
Causes for Divorce
The Biggest reason for marriage breakdown is due to influence by other people in society – who cause problems – between the husband and the wife.
Let’s see how what the married might do through the influence of society,
Either:
1) Both parties are committing big or major sins outside the marriage. or;
2) Both parties are committing sins within the marriage.
Focusing on Number 1: Both parties are committing big or major sins outside the marriage
- Main reason behind most marriage breakdowns – each party is having an illegal sexual relationship with other people. This is happening within the Muslim community, as many people know.
With who?
Either a partner has began a relationship with a family friend, or has found a partner through work – so the wife seeks khula’ [annulment of her previous marriage] so she can marry her new found partner.
Or sometimes through the internet – an example is of a man who complained that he had 5 children, and his wife became friends with a man on the internet from another country. Then problems began between the two, so she went away with the other man who she had met on the internet. There are many stories of men doing the same against their wives.
In many cases; Freemixing causes people to slowly become friends with a person from the opposite gender, and this might be a secret. The secret is usually exposed, causing jealousy from the other partner, arguments start between the couple, which usually end up in divorce. Once this happens; the man loses his wife, and also loses the second woman, because a man will never trust a lady who he was involved with in an illicit relationship, even if he promised her marriage. If they did get married, he would later divorce her because he would think; if she had relations with me outside of marriage, then what’s stopping her doing the same with other men?
The same happens with women who cheat on their husbands; they lose their husband, and also the man they were having a relationship with.
How it develops?
Sometimes people are easy with social gatherings, not really observing Islamic etiquettes.
A woman once phoned the shaykh and said a few years ago;
A man who was a family friend began to get close to her when she was emotionally in need of a man when her husband went away for weeks on a holiday. She would feel alone, and have problems with her husband in the past. Out of the evilness of that ‘family-friend’ man, he knew her situation and her husband leaving. He approached her and began a relationship with her, and he asked her to have a full sexual relationship with him, and she fell into that mistake due to loneliness. She woke up the next day distressed, and said she didn’t realise, and said she would never let it happen again. She said after a few weeks this man came again and said you must allow me to do this with you. She said I controlled myself and removed this person away from her home, and nothing happened after that.
After a few years, this man – who had sexual relations with many of his friends wives – was caught and everyone found out about him, and everyone from this group started to doubt each of their wives. “Did he have any kind of relationship with you?” they would ask. Until the husband asked her; “Have you ever had any kind of relationship with him?”. I said no. I was telling lies to him, but now I am burning from inside. And now i want to put an end because my conscious is torturing me. My husband started to doubt, and now he has left me alone with the children, with the suffering and subconscious torture I am facing on a daily basis, and I want to put an end to it.
This is why observing the Islamic etiquettes is really important, because anything other than it breaks families and causes distress in peoples’ lives.
2) Both parties are committing sins within the marriage.
Pornography:
- Many women complain that their husbands always watch pornography. The underline of this problem is that when the man watches pornography, his sexual desire to have relations with his wife becomes very weak.
In the tafsir of Surah Nur: Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them: And Allah is well acquainted with all that they do.
And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what (must ordinarily) appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands, their fathers… (Quran Surah Nur 24: 30-31)
Al Qurtubi made the following points when commenting on the above verses:
1) Those who stare at the opposite gender unlawfully; Part of their sexual strength is given to the haram [forbidden], so they cannot use their full sexual strength in their marriage relations.
2) He will become addicted to that and watching it. His wife will become jealous because he is not giving attention to her.
Most of women are not like the women seen like on posters, models etc. They use computers to change their image for the better. When men start to watch these images, they raise their expectations from their wives. So they start to not feel attracted to their wives, they become away from their wives, therefore the problems start because the wife feels her husband has been taken away and that he does not desire her. That causes her to be worried about him, and feels that he doesn’t love her, and once she feels that – problems start.
This is why Allah ordered us to lower our gaze and keep away from haram [forbidden] things, and this is why the Islam does not allow a people to have an intimate personal relationship with other than their marriage partner; so she is the only one beautiful for him, and he is the protector of her [women want to feel secure]. When she knows he is protecting her, she feels happy with him - even if he does not have the best looks or character. And when they meet each other – they feel that they are having the utmost happiness, and this is what keeps the best relationship between the husband and wife in a positive situation. If that love survives within their marriage, then they can overcome the other more minor obstacles which arise within the marriage. (i.e. this way both partners will love each other enough without wanting to turn to another partner outside of marriage.)
ISLAM ON MARRIAGE
Allah (S.W.T) says in Quran:
“And of his signs is that He created for you, from yourselves partners to find solace in them and He made between you love and mercy”.
“Allah, most Gracious says about spouses in Quran:
Among His signs is [the fact] that He has created spouses for you among yourselves so that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has planted love and mercy between you; In that are signs for people who reflect.
Qur'an [30: 21]
And it says:
... They are a garment for you and you are a garment to them...
Qur'an [2: 187]
It requires that a husband and wife should be as garments for each other. Just as garments are for protection, comfort, show and concealment for human beings, Allah expects husbands and wives to be for one another.
Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be the Comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead Righteous.
Qur'an 25:74
"The whole world is an asset and the best asset is a good Wife" (Muslim)
MARRIAGE IN ISLAM:
Islam, unlike other religions is a strong advocate of marriage. There is no place for celibacy like, for example the Roman Catholic priests and nuns. The prophet (P.B.U.H) has said "there is no celibacy in Islam.
Marriage is a religious duty and is consequently a moral safeguard as well as a social necessity. Islam does not equal celibacy with high "taqwa" / "Iman". The prophet has also said,
"Marriage is my tradition who so ever keeps away there from is not from amongst me".
It is a social necessity because through marriage, families are established and the family is the fundamental unit of our society. Furthermore, marriage is the only legitimate or halal way to indulge in intimacy between a man and a woman.
THE PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE:
The word "zawj" is used in the Qur'an to mean a pair or a mate. In general it usage refers to marriage. The general purpose of marriage is that the sexes can provide company to one another, love to one another, procreate children and live in peace and tranquillity to the commandments of Allah. It is also a form of Ibadh because it is obeying Allah and his messenger - i.e. Marriage is seen as the only possible way for the sexes to unite. One could choose to live in sin, however by choosing marriage one is displaying obedience to Allah.
Marriage is "mithaq" - a solemn covenant (agreement). It is not a matter, which can be taken lightly. It should be entered into with total commitment and full knowledge of what it involves. It is not like buying a new dress where you can exchange it if you don't like it. Your partner should be your choice for life. One should be mature enough to understand the demands of marriage so that the union can be a lasting one.
For a marriage to be valid certain conditions must be met.
1) Consent of both parties.
2) " Mahr" a gift from the groom to his bride.
3) Witnesses- 2 male or female.
4) The marriage should be publicized; it should never be kept secret as it leads to suspicion and troubles within the community.
IS MARRIAGE OBLIGATORY?
Narrated Abdullah:"We were with the Prophet, peace be upon him, while we were young and had no wealth whatever. So Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said,
“O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira:
"The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty, and her religion. So you should marry the religious woman [otherwise] you will be a loser.'"
The general principle is that prophet (pbuh) enjoined up in the followers to marry.
He said "when a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion, so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half." This hadith is narrated by Anas. Islam greatly encourages marriage because it shields one from and upholds the family unit which Islam places great importance.
SELECTION OF A PARTNER:
Allah also gives us freedom and urges us to:
...Marry the women of your choice... Qur'an [4: 3]
There is a halal arranged marriage and a haram one. It is OK to arrange marriages by suggestion and recommendation as long as both parties are agreeable. The other arranged marriage is when parents choose the future spouse and the couple concerned are forced or have no choice in the matter. One of the conditions of a valid marriage is consent of the couple. Marriage by definition is a voluntary union of two people.
THE HUSBAND/WIFE RELATIONSHIP:
Allah informs us about the just rights of each other on us:
... The wife's rights (with regard to their husbands) are equal to the (husband's) rights with regard to them, although men are a degree above them; and Allah is Almighty, Wise. Qur'an [2 : 228]
The statement that men are a degree above women means that authority within the household has been give to the husband in preference to the wife because a heavier burden has been placed on his shoulders by another verse of the Quran which says:
Men shall take full care of women, because Allah has given the one more strength than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard... Qur'an [4 : 34]
The wives rights - the Husbands obligations:
(1) Maintenance
The husband is responsible for the wifes maintenance. This right is established by authority of the Qur'an and the sunnah. It is inconsequential whether the wife is a Muslim , non-Muslim, rich, poor, healthy or sick. A component of his role as "qawam" (leader) is to bear the financial responsibility of the family in a generous way so that his wife may be assured security and thus perform her role devotedly.
The wife’s maintenance entails her right to lodging, clothing, food and general care, like medication, hospital bills etc. He must lodge her where he resides himself according to his means. The wife’s lodge must be adequate so as to ensure her privacy, comfort and independence.
If a wife has been used to a maid or is unable to attend to her household duties, it is the husband’s duty to provide her with a maid if he can afford to do so. The prophet is reported to have said: The best Muslim is one who is the best husband.
(2) "Mahr "
The wife is entitled to a marriage gift that is her own. This may be prompt or deferred depending on the agreement between the parties. A marriage is not valid without mahr. It does not have to be money or gold. It can be non-material like teaching her to read the Qur'an. "Mahr" is a gift from the groom to the bride. This is the Islamic law, unlike some cultures whereby the bride’s parents pay the future husband to marry the daughter. This practice degrades women and is contrary to the spirit of Islam. There is no specification in the Qur'an as to what or how much the Mahr has to be. It depends on the parties involved.
(3) Non-material rights.
A husband is commanded by the law of Allah to treat his wife with equity, respect her feelings and show kindness and consideration, especially if he has another wife. The prophet last sermon stresses kindness to women.
The wife obligations - the Husbands rights:
Anas reported God's messenger as saying, "When a woman observes the five times of prayer, fasts during Ramadan, preserves her chastity and obeys her husband, she may enter by any of the gates of paradise she wishes (in other words nothing will prevent her from entering paradise)."
[Mishkat]
Um Salama reported God's messenger as saying, "Any woman who dies when her husband is pleased with her will enter Paradise."
[Tirmidhi]
One of the main duties of the wife is to contribute to the success and blissfulness of the marriage. She must be attentive to the comfort and wellbeing of her husband. The Qur'anic ayah which illustrates this point is:
"Our lord, grant us wives and offspring who will be the apples of our eyes and guide us to be models for the righteous"
1. Obedience:
The purpose of obedience in the relationship is to keep the family unit running as smoothly as possible. The man has been given the right to be obeyed because he is the leader and not because he is superior. If a leader is not obeyed, his leadership will become invalid -Imagine a king or a teacher or a parent without the necessary authority which has been entrusted to them.
Obedience does not mean blind obedience. It is subject to conditions:
(a) It is required only if what is asked from the wife is within the permissible categories of action.
(b) It must be maintained only with regard to matters that fall under the husband rights.
Narrated Abu Huraira, God's messenger said: "The believers who show the most perfect faith are those who have the best disposition and the best of you are those who are best to their wives."
[Tirmidhi]
Aisha has related that the Holy Prophet, peace be upon him, would enter the house with a pleasing disposition and a smile on his lips.
[Uswa-i-Hasana]
Narrated Ibn Umar: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, said,
`All of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards. The ruler is a guardian and the man is a guardian of his family; the lady is a guardian who is responsible for her husband's house and his offspring; and so all of you are guardians and are responsible for your wards.'"
[Bukhari]
2. Providing for wife and family:
Quran teaches us to be reasonable and fair to our wives and family.
House women wherever you reside, according to your circumstances, and do not harass them in order to make life difficult for them...
Qur'an [65 : 6]
The statement of Allah in the chapter `Woman':
`Men are protectors and maintainers of women...'
Qur'an [4 : 34]
Bukhari quotes the following verse under the heading: The superiority of providing for one's family:
(O Mohammed!) They ask you what they ought to spend. Say: That which is beyond your needs. Thus Allah makes clear to you His Signs in order that you may give thought (to it) in this worldly life and the Hereafter...
Qur'an [2 : 219-220]
Narrated Abu Masud Al-Ansari:
"The Prophet, peace be upon him, said, `When a Muslim spends something on his family intending to receive Allah's reward, it is regarded as Sadqa (spending in the name of God) for him.'"
[Bukhari]
We should always remember that Allah is the one who gives us, we are mere trustees of the funds.
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `Allah said, O the son of Adam! Spend, and I shall spend on you.'"
[Bukhari]
Narrated Abu Huraira: "Allah's Apostle, peace be upon him, said, `The best alms is that which you give when you are rich, and you should support your dependants first.'"
[Bukhari]
May Allah guide all marriages with the best of understanding and prosperity.
Ameen
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